In all honesty, whats the point?

I wonder sometimes when I am going to blow. Its gotta come at sometime, right? I mean, everyone has their breaking point. Am I going to end up doing something drastic in public? Like trashing some store, or going off on some employee for no reason?
I have stayed calm throughout most of my life. I have rolled with the punches. And the events of the past week have changed me. I have more walls up now than ever before. I am afraid to get close to anyone..and words? Words dont mean shit.
Im 36yrs old. Closer to 37 and Im tired. Im tired of people's bullshit. No one is real anymore. Loyalty means nothing. People are too self absorbed and selfish to see anything beyond the tip of their nose.

I am lost. and I dont even know where to begin to go. I am supposed to be in the happiest time of my life. I am getting married 2 months from today.. I should be eyeball deep in wedding planning... instead.. I have no clue. Honestly, this year has been such a mess, I am beginning to wonder if I should even go through it at all.

It's probably more my frame of mind than anything. I just do not feel important to anyone at the moment. Everyone always has a screen in front of their face. Whether it's a phone or a tv. Im tired of competing with things, that I can not compete against in the long run.

What the fuck am I doing with my life? More importantly, what the fuck do I even want to do with my life? I still do not even know.

Bullshit

This whole move to FL is bullshit. I am sitting here at work, feeling the tears well up behind my eyes, but I do not let them fall.

Tomorrow morning, you will all be on your way to a bigger brighter life, while Im here still trying to find all the pieces so I can put it all back together.
I cant stop thinking about them. I can not stop wishing I could hear their voice and their laughter. To know what they are in to now. What makes them laugh now?

I am empty vessel that looks like Im living. Im tired. Im tired of them always being on my mind. Not an hour goes by without them in my mind. After almost 4 years, you would think I would be ok now. But Im not, and I dont think I ever will be. I am great at pretending though.

Florida..seriously? You just decide thats ok.

I bet they dont even remember who I am. Oh you say they know where they come from. Pictures of MY parents in their rooms..but I bet there isnt a picture of me anywhere.

In all honesty.. I hate you for this.

 I hate myself too. For letting this happen.