In all honesty, whats the point?

I wonder sometimes when I am going to blow. Its gotta come at sometime, right? I mean, everyone has their breaking point. Am I going to end up doing something drastic in public? Like trashing some store, or going off on some employee for no reason?
I have stayed calm throughout most of my life. I have rolled with the punches. And the events of the past week have changed me. I have more walls up now than ever before. I am afraid to get close to anyone..and words? Words dont mean shit.
Im 36yrs old. Closer to 37 and Im tired. Im tired of people's bullshit. No one is real anymore. Loyalty means nothing. People are too self absorbed and selfish to see anything beyond the tip of their nose.

I am lost. and I dont even know where to begin to go. I am supposed to be in the happiest time of my life. I am getting married 2 months from today.. I should be eyeball deep in wedding planning... instead.. I have no clue. Honestly, this year has been such a mess, I am beginning to wonder if I should even go through it at all.

It's probably more my frame of mind than anything. I just do not feel important to anyone at the moment. Everyone always has a screen in front of their face. Whether it's a phone or a tv. Im tired of competing with things, that I can not compete against in the long run.

What the fuck am I doing with my life? More importantly, what the fuck do I even want to do with my life? I still do not even know.

Bullshit

This whole move to FL is bullshit. I am sitting here at work, feeling the tears well up behind my eyes, but I do not let them fall.

Tomorrow morning, you will all be on your way to a bigger brighter life, while Im here still trying to find all the pieces so I can put it all back together.
I cant stop thinking about them. I can not stop wishing I could hear their voice and their laughter. To know what they are in to now. What makes them laugh now?

I am empty vessel that looks like Im living. Im tired. Im tired of them always being on my mind. Not an hour goes by without them in my mind. After almost 4 years, you would think I would be ok now. But Im not, and I dont think I ever will be. I am great at pretending though.

Florida..seriously? You just decide thats ok.

I bet they dont even remember who I am. Oh you say they know where they come from. Pictures of MY parents in their rooms..but I bet there isnt a picture of me anywhere.

In all honesty.. I hate you for this.

 I hate myself too. For letting this happen.

whatever

what does it all matter in the end anyways? you think that you are doing everything to make everyone happy..but then you step back and realize that you are not happy. no one returns these favors. you just keep giving and giving. eventually you do not have anything else to give. and no one notices. except for the fact that you pulled back and stopped giving so much, because you are tired. so tired. the days are the same. nothing to look forward to. people stop noticing you, never did care in the first place. then you just start hearing nothing but bullshit come out of their mouths. you are just so sick of everything. you can not find joy in the little things. they are just mundane.yet,  you have no idea what you want. you dont want to go anywhere. there is not materialistic thing that you want. so what do you do? its just this drifting phase. you just drift and hope that something comes your way. because you arent motivated enough to find it yourself. but alas, you dont voice any of this. you dont tell others your feelings, you just keep drifting. those that really know you will know that something is not right, but they wont push. because as you have been there for them in their times of need, they are too busy to give you a second glance. what they dont know, is its the littlest things that matter most to you. it could be a hug, or doing something for you that you didnt have to do yourself. no major thing is needed. just a moment when all attention is on you in a good way. thats all you want. just someone to notice. to really notice. and to really care. and not in that phony way

so, where does that leave you? you think about ending it. you just want the pain to stop. you just want to not feel this way anymore. and you do not know how to stop it. you do not know how to make it better. you want to be better. you want nothing more then to wake up and the demons not attack you. you want to feel genuine happiness. 1 day where you dont disappoint anyone, that everything just goes right.

years upon years of battling the demons. the ghosts that come out and dance in your mind. they can be relentless. so you take medication. or try to drown then out with drugs and alcohol, but there are always there. waiting for the door to crack open, either by you, or someone else. usually it is the latter. and then you are just stuck...twirling around these ghosts, who will distract you, so the demons can claw their way in..and then youre done. you do not know which way is right anymore. who and where is safe. your guard is constantly up. you never relax. you feel that happy people just mock you. and youre angry. angry that the happiness they have, eludes you.. and in the end of it, you just want to be alone., but when you are alone, you wish someone was there. it is a never ending cycle.  this merry go round that you cant get off from. and you just so tired of it at all. you just want it to end. but you can not think of way except ending it all. and god forbid you ever tell anyone that you are thinking it, cause then you just become this weird person that no one really wants to talk to. you are labeled and shuffled away where ppl cant see you, because they dont want to see you. they say they dont know how to help, if they only knew that there is so little they actually have to do. but people have this tendency to make you feel like a ghost. they can completely make you feel like you dont matter. which doesnt help at all. just makes things worse. because then you start thinking that it really doesnt matter if you are sitting here or not. it doesnt matter where you are actually. so why even waste space on this planet. why keep living with this pain, why keep carrying these ghost, when no one will notice you are gone anyways.

but then, there are the people in your house. everyone says if you end your life, then you are going to hurt those people the most. but at this point, they are pretty much done with you anyways, they are tired of you always being depressed. they are sick of you being a downer, now,, they may not say it, but rest assured, they are thinking it. and then its just more guilt on you anyways. it is always guilt. the constant thinking of everyone around would be better off if you just disappeared.

this is what a suicidal mind looks like. fighting everyday. for what?

My own little space in the world

I like the fact that no one reads this. I like the fact that I can say whatever the hell I want and not to worry about what I am saying, thinking, doing. WHATEVER will disappoint someone.. Im soo tired of worrying about disappointing people.

Anyways, so, Im now supposed to blog as part of my job...(on the product website of course) and Im not..lol Im here instead.
I hate the idea of blogging for work. I have do deal with the people that read it, so I have to obviously watch what I say. Which, why the point of having a blog.. I really dont have anything to say that customers need to read. Except for maybe just my aggravation at them! :) lol

So, Im procrastinating. Trying to think up things to talk about in that blog.  Its actually been causing me stress lately..but eh gotta do it.

So college life.. 33 years old..and in college again..in remedial classes no less..(math).

So, Im taking basic math concepts basically.. and I still find this shit not worth the time to learn.. I mean REALLY?!?!?

I think its just a waste of time actually. I think that math should be taught on a livable level. And all math above that should be learned voluntarily.  Required math should be ...how to do your taxes..budget, checkbook, bills, shit like that....this other shit...geometry..calculus...trig...what the hell.. Im NEVER going to use it in the levels that are being required to learn now.

Blah, so anyways, Im off my soapbox about math....still a shitty subject. Had my midterm today.. Im HOPING for a B.  We'll see.

So yeah, I guess Im done talking about nothing...

Still have no idea what Im going to blog in my work blog..

So much to say....and so little to say

There are so many thoughts that run throughmyheadallthe time. Constantly..about sooo many different kinds of things. I don't think I ever have a complete thought lol...like right now, I can't even get through a whole sentence on here without stopping and dazing off into space lol..

It's odd though.. The way my mind works. The way I think.  I know a lot of people who don't understand me for it. Including my family...well...I don't know if I can call them that anymore since I've been shut out.
But anyways,

So yeah...I really had no intention blogging today....hell it's been a while since I have blogged...lol.


You know..you shouldn't hate people...it's such a wasted energy.  The only person who gains from is the person you are hating. But yet....I find myself not immune to it.  Also, I have found the actual meaning of it as well.  I find mine as a slow burn hate...it doesn't drive me...it doesn't make me plot evil against the person...but I don't want to think about this person, I do not wish at all to see this person again, or hear their voice or even their name spoken aloud by someone else..it will put me in a bad mood in an instant.....
Sooo....what exactly does that say....when in all actuality, the hate is from my OWN perception.  My own side of the story..
Isn't crazy then, that

 "Their perception is your reality".

I hate feeling

Sad for no reason at all.  I actually shed a few tears earlier for really no reason. Watching some stupid video.  I don't feel depressed by any one thing really. Just sad. There is only one thing that ever makes me sad when I think about it..and that's just I miss my kids..well I can't say 'my' anymore..sooo I miss the 3 beings that I gave birth to. But I really don't want to get into that on here.

So....what makes someone sad for really no reason? I'm not pregnant..so it's not that. I'm not even due for my monthly visitor yet...so it's not that either.

I really hate this feeling. Especially when there really isn't a reason for it.

I really hope I hear some good news tomorrow. I'm really wanting the job I interviewed for 2wks ago...that would help in so many different ways. I'm going to be really disappointed if I don't get it.  I really need to get out of the store I'm in.

Anyways..that's really it...no rants tonight. Just wanted to feel connected to something so I decided that I would blog for a bit.

I firmly believe..

That my generation is killing the values that we once had. So much has changed since from our parents generation. Its harder to find people in my age group with real values anymore.

Everyone has sold out. Everyone has jumped on the bandwagon and become greedy. Everyone is holding out their hands..but giving noting in return..

Our social skills are declining. In our parents generation, people went OUT and did things..and mingled with other people face to face.

Our generation.. well now all you have to have is access to the internet.

No one watches out for anyone else anymore. All we care about is ourselves.

It saddens me.. soo utterly saddens me that this is what we've become..and we are teaching the next generation.

I believe that my soul is in the wrong generation.. Ive been called a hippie more times then I can count.. not by looks..but by my viewpoint on things.

I refuse society...why..because you are all sheep. You follow the herd.. you dont question it when things are going against your rights.. you sit back and take it.. why??!? because you have been made to believe that is how you have to be.

Why is everyone trying to be like everyone else? I dont mean by looks.. I mean by thinking..my making your OWN opinion.. rather then jumping on the side with the most people.

Thats another thing..the FEAR you all have of being rejected by.. ..heres the fun part... EACH OTHER..

I mean really.. you conform to be more likeable by certain people. If you dont share their viewpoints.. you will never say it outloud..instead you will bury it down deep..and just agree with their side. And you keep doing it until you believe it yourself.

...........

im done for now.. I need to sleep.