whatever

what does it all matter in the end anyways? you think that you are doing everything to make everyone happy..but then you step back and realize that you are not happy. no one returns these favors. you just keep giving and giving. eventually you do not have anything else to give. and no one notices. except for the fact that you pulled back and stopped giving so much, because you are tired. so tired. the days are the same. nothing to look forward to. people stop noticing you, never did care in the first place. then you just start hearing nothing but bullshit come out of their mouths. you are just so sick of everything. you can not find joy in the little things. they are just mundane.yet,  you have no idea what you want. you dont want to go anywhere. there is not materialistic thing that you want. so what do you do? its just this drifting phase. you just drift and hope that something comes your way. because you arent motivated enough to find it yourself. but alas, you dont voice any of this. you dont tell others your feelings, you just keep drifting. those that really know you will know that something is not right, but they wont push. because as you have been there for them in their times of need, they are too busy to give you a second glance. what they dont know, is its the littlest things that matter most to you. it could be a hug, or doing something for you that you didnt have to do yourself. no major thing is needed. just a moment when all attention is on you in a good way. thats all you want. just someone to notice. to really notice. and to really care. and not in that phony way

so, where does that leave you? you think about ending it. you just want the pain to stop. you just want to not feel this way anymore. and you do not know how to stop it. you do not know how to make it better. you want to be better. you want nothing more then to wake up and the demons not attack you. you want to feel genuine happiness. 1 day where you dont disappoint anyone, that everything just goes right.

years upon years of battling the demons. the ghosts that come out and dance in your mind. they can be relentless. so you take medication. or try to drown then out with drugs and alcohol, but there are always there. waiting for the door to crack open, either by you, or someone else. usually it is the latter. and then you are just stuck...twirling around these ghosts, who will distract you, so the demons can claw their way in..and then youre done. you do not know which way is right anymore. who and where is safe. your guard is constantly up. you never relax. you feel that happy people just mock you. and youre angry. angry that the happiness they have, eludes you.. and in the end of it, you just want to be alone., but when you are alone, you wish someone was there. it is a never ending cycle.  this merry go round that you cant get off from. and you just so tired of it at all. you just want it to end. but you can not think of way except ending it all. and god forbid you ever tell anyone that you are thinking it, cause then you just become this weird person that no one really wants to talk to. you are labeled and shuffled away where ppl cant see you, because they dont want to see you. they say they dont know how to help, if they only knew that there is so little they actually have to do. but people have this tendency to make you feel like a ghost. they can completely make you feel like you dont matter. which doesnt help at all. just makes things worse. because then you start thinking that it really doesnt matter if you are sitting here or not. it doesnt matter where you are actually. so why even waste space on this planet. why keep living with this pain, why keep carrying these ghost, when no one will notice you are gone anyways.

but then, there are the people in your house. everyone says if you end your life, then you are going to hurt those people the most. but at this point, they are pretty much done with you anyways, they are tired of you always being depressed. they are sick of you being a downer, now,, they may not say it, but rest assured, they are thinking it. and then its just more guilt on you anyways. it is always guilt. the constant thinking of everyone around would be better off if you just disappeared.

this is what a suicidal mind looks like. fighting everyday. for what?